I think I've stopped writing personal things on here and started writing odd, travelogue-esque articles because I've been feeling unable to express myself properly.
What is new in my life? Let me think of a few:
I have a new job, working for the NHS as a call-taker. I'm still undergoing my training but getting paid the same as I will when I'm totally qualified. Its fun; the shift patterns are crazy (i'm working 11pm-7am for three nights in a row this week, thank god it's time and a quarter.)
It appears Korea is on the way, theres a slight conflict between my interests and the practicalities of it all however: I have different days of feeling really optimistic about going, and other times when I feel hopelessly scared. This hasnt been helped by my most recent of conundrums: adjusting (badly) to life after Uni.
I know I've banged on and on about it but the transition between Uni and home is just totally and utterly knocking me sideways at present. I dont have a grip on anything, I feel.
Put it this way: we all need routine to be able to function, I'm having enough trouble settling back into a new routine before I decide to dissapear off again, this worries me. It almost feels like I'm trying to hide from myself. Cliche' or what?
To take a broader view on it for a moment, I am aware that time flies and I dont want to miss a moment of it, but how do I deal with plunging myself into change so deep if I can barely cope with moving 200miles back home within the same country?
My attempts to settle back into routine have been scuppered somewhat by the job that, by its very nature, requires flexibility in it's shift patterns. My want to play rugby again has been buggered by my body's inability to take the strain (two big injuries in as many months, I'm under the delusion that I'm still really really fit, and I'm not!) In short, I feel a bit crap, directionless and pessimistic about the future.
You cant escape your problems, they pop up wherever you are, whatever you're doing and whoever you're with. I used to think I could face mine, but I think that maybe its not that easy.
If the move to Korea turns into a nightmare, I wont know how to ever forgive myself; I've talked it up for so long now, and though I think it'll be amazing, I just cant help thinking I'm doing it all for the wrong reasons, and at the wrong time.
But maybe I need to feel like this, now. Better to lose my nerve before I'm out there.
This is a test, one more that I'll have to overcome and dominate.
As Anna would quote : 'Our doubts are traitors, that make us lose the good we might oft win, by fearing to attempt.'
Good old Jaques...
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